Thinking. Writing. :-)

Life. Water.

Your life is being poured out every day.  You can’t stop it.  Where is it going?

Sacrifice is built in to us.  We can’t get away from it.

Life is pouring out. Only out.  Where is it going?

Running, trying to catch it.  Plug up the holes. Stagnate.

Life is pouring out. Only out. Where is it going?

Struggle.  Try to fill yourself.  Pour it back in.  Impossible. 

Life is pouring out. Only out.  Where is it going?

We are finite.  Born with only so much.  Limited.

Still pouring out.  Only out. Where is it going?

Getting empty.  Feeling weak.  Scared of emptiness. Incomplete.

Life is pouring out.  Only out.  Where is it going?

Turning.  Giving.  Pouring into others.  Feeling better, still not complete.

Life is pouring out. Running out.  

Admission. I’m not enough.  I can’t do this.  Incomplete.

Surrender. Not my own. I need Another to pour in me.

Submission. Get under.  Pouring down, all into me.

Life is pouring out. In and out.  All through me.

 

Life

The trip that was supposed to be two weeks away had to be moved to this weekend, so I am rushing around trying to get ready. That mainly involves getting certain food ready to travel. ha I've tried not to be too picky about what my kids eat when we're gone, but if I don't prepare at all we have some pretty bad consequences. Of course, I've also been making sure bills are paid and clothes are washed.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who lost her 3-year-old daughter almost a year ago. I always feel that anything I have to offer is just shallow because my loss was of a child I never got to know, but I do know some of the feelings and questions that loss brings. I think one of the biggest issues for me is trust. I told Evan earlier this year that I just can't trust God. I know that sounds petty and trivial, but that is honestly how I felt. All I was facing was a sick child, but the fear of having that child taken away from me or seeing that child in pain overwhelmed me. How do I trust a God if I don't know He will shield me from pain? How do I submit myself (which is what He requires and must have) to a God whom I cannot trust? Without faith, it is impossible to please God. I have to decide what I am going to do. I have to believe Him and His Word.

God is good. No matter what I see or hear, I must believe that God is good. I tend to judge Him by my standards, but He IS good. Everything He is, is the very definition of good.
So, what did I do? I knew I had no where else to go. That sounds pathetic, but even the disciples said the same thing to Jesus when He asked if they were going to leave Him. Who else has the words of life? No one. I could get mad and run away, but He is the only one who gives meaning to life. I could tell Him that His logic stinks and that I don't like it, but it doesn't change the fact that He is truth. If I want truth or goodness or life or love, it must be through Him.
So I asked Him for help, which He's already given: His Spirit and His Word. I read and I know that it is truth. "No sooner doth the truth....come into the soul's sight, but the soul knows her to be her first and old acquaintance." ~Whichcote
And I love Him. When I look, He is everywhere. I see Him in my boy's excited face and in my girl's sweet kisses. And He is good.

Good day

It has been a really good day. I've gotten quite a bit done, and we got to play at the park close to our house with some of our friends for quite a while today. The weather was beautiful, and we enjoyed the sunshine. :-)
For some reason, though, I just feel tired. Maybe it's because I am. ha I also read something I shouldn't have read on a random blog this evening, and it caught me off-guard in my tired state of mind. It was a homeschooling blog, but there was a link to a story at the bottom about their little girl who died. And I clicked. Very bad idea. I cried. I got mental images of dead, limp babies. Ugh. I hate death. And, to be honest, I'm scared of it. Not for myself, really, but for my children. I should rephrase. I'm not scared of my own death but any premature (in my eyes) death of my children. I'm scared of the horrid feeling of watching my child die.
So. I'm not going to sink. I'm going to remember. His promises. His Word. Without those things, life would be miserable. But WITH them? Life is just a passing through. We are not of this world; this world is not our home. My life is hid with Christ in God. I do not live for myself. My life is not my own. I serve Another. And He LOVES me.
"Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls --
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer's feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills." --Habakkuk 3:17-19

I am amazed at the difference it makes. I love His Word. :-)

Books I am reading

...or have read in the past weeks. :-)
Bono In Conversation with Michka Assayas was very interesting. Someone on FB posted an excerpt from the book and got my attention. It was published in 2004, I believe, so he may have changed some, but I found it thought-provoking. I suppose I had already put him in a category in my head without realizing it. I found it most surprising how often his conversation turned to God, and in such a real way.
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I really needed to hear/read what she had to say. Her words helped me to refocus on what is essential: a thankful heart. She was so practical in her application, especially from a mother's point of view.
For the Family's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay. I've read For the Children's Sake, and now I'm reading this before (most likely) giving it to someone else to read. I haven't read too much of it yet, but so far she's mostly talking about foundational worldview issues.
Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian. I've read this book before; now I'm just going through and reading/praying the prayers. This is another book that has been just what I need. I have seen things begin to happen, in my attitude and in his. The funny thing is that I'm surprised. Prayer works? Really? Thank you, God, for being so patient.
Books I need:
How to be Patient When Raising a Boy
How to Include as Much Physical Labor in Day-to-Day Activities as Possible (for above boy)
How to Raise Your Specific Children (Guidelines, Talking Points, and Paper bag included)
Oh, wait. I suppose the Holy Spirit would like some influence in there, hmmm? I just have to be still and wait on Him. Maybe that's where the boy gets it from. ;-)

Love this...

"When the laundry is for the dozen arms of children or the dozen legs, it's true, I think I'm due some appreciation. So comes a storm of trouble and lightning strikes joy. But when Christ is at the center, when dishes, laundry, work, is my song of thanks to Him, joy rains. Passionately serving Christ alone makes us the loving servant of all....The work becomes worship, a liturgy of thankfulness."
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

One word of warning about this book. The first page is, hmmmm, interesting. I probably would not have thought so had Evan not found the book lying on our counter before I had a chance to read it and read the first paragraph. He thought it was very, very strange. He said that she was messed up. I was washing dishes, so I finally convinced him to read it to me to show me what he meant. It was really hilarious. In spite of that beginning, I really enjoyed the book. ;-) Now I've got to go back and reread it without the noise of children in the background.

I went to a Charlotte Mason seminar this weekend and enjoyed myself very muchly. :-) I especially enjoyed the session labeled: Four Ways to Destroy Your Child's Desire for Knowledge. ha I came away with a lot of good ideas and information. I am so thankful to have this group.

Brrrr!

We had a lovely weekend with wonderful weather, but the cold is back now! I have to remind myself to be thankful for the beautiful weather while it's here; it is, after all, February. ;-)
It looks like study time will be at least three hours a night for four nights (he scheduled Friday nights as "off" nights!), and 4-6 each day on the weekend. I CAN do this. Last week was a good week, and I'm thankful that the weather allowed us to be outside so much of the time.
Okay, so, I'm trying to simplify. Today I threw away my coupon box. I took out only coupons of items that we actually buy and threw everything else away. I'm hoping this will prevent me from keeping coupon inserts lying on the bar for forever because I just don't cut them out. It doesn't take long to flip through them and pick the two or three coupons I might actually use to cut out. I just haven't had time to do "deals" at Walgreens lately, so I'm saying good-bye.
Now I have to figure out how to cut some things will really help me, not just something that I've already been letting go since the chick was born. ha '
I made granola this weekend and actually made yogurt again. I think kefir is going to be a rare thing around here, only for soaking, because we just eat yogurt better. And yogurt and granola makes a really, really, simple breakfast. :-)
I cut up some of my Granny Smith apples and dried them, and the kids love them. I'm hoping to get another 20 pounds at the next Azure Standard pick-up. Dried apples just make a wonderful take-along snack that isn't messy. I chopped some of them and put them in the granola. Yay for a simple breakfast, right? ha
My other area of simplicity is going to be my garden. I'm not going to go crazy over it this year. We are members of the farm, so I'll just plan on that and grow a few things that I really want to grow. My garlic is already coming up, which is exciting! It took so little time and effort.
Laundry is calling, so I must run. The chick has had a low-grade fever today and been very, um, clingy/whiny/fussy, so I'm having to work overtime on this dreary day to keep a good attitude. :-)

A new day

I think some people may have looked at me strangely when I did not celebrate profusely when Evan graduated with his masters degree. I knew he still had at least a full year (including a whole summer) of accounting classes to take to become eligible to sit for the CPA exam. Everyone kept asking me as the year of classes drew to a close if I was happy that it was over. I was not excited. I knew he had to study for the CPA exam. That is where we are. He has his Becker review course, and he told me that "they" tell him to expect it to take about 30 hours a week and to tell significant others to give them a break because it will be worth it. ;-) If only I hadn't been hearing that the past five years. Or more. ;-) No, really, I'm trying to be supportive. He came home for dinner tonight, stayed about an hour and a half, then went to a library to study since home is a bit too distracting. He said he'll be home by eleven. Three hours every week night and seven hours each day on the weekend is how he figures it. I'm hoping that he's overshot a little. However, I must say, I DO want him to pass all four tests the first time. If he does, October will probably be the end.
So here I am. I've been majorly emotional this weekend, almost despairing as I looked ahead at all the husband/daddy-less time. However, today I discovered the reason (probably) for the slightly over-dramatic reaction, so I am trying to think hopeful thoughts. I also got my floor mopped today, and that is BIG in my world. I feel like a different person if my floor is clean. I would honestly pay someone to come in once a week and mop my floor, especially since it never gets done that often (unless you count the hundreds of times a week I'm on my hands and knees cleaning up a mess that has been made). :-)
I also (while mopping my floor) made crepes with some sourdough starter that has been in my fridge for close to a month. My fridge is FULL right now, and something had to go. This starter was my "extra," and I kept forgetting to take it out and feed it. I even made a double batch of crepes because I had almost two cups of starter. And Evan loved them. ?? I'll use them to make breakfasts/lunches/snacks for the kids. They are so useful, really.
That's all, I suppose. Maybe I'll go watch a movie and knit. Or clean the bathrooms. :-@ I'm always so much more productive when he's not home. But I'd rather have him home. ;-)